Phone Call

You called... Days after we decided to start clean and all over again, you called and asked me, "What happened to us?"... I did not answer for a few moments, I was thinking, I didn't know what to say...

You said, "I still love you..", I did not answer back, I was thinking, I didn't know what to say...

You said, " I will always be here for you..", you sounded like you were crying, I still did not answer back, I was thinking, I still didn't know what to say...

The line got cut off and there was a long moment of silence and I just realized, tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Months ago, I told you ( and myself, too) that I'm going to give myself whole heartedly to this commitment... No reservations... And you said the same thing. All the while, I have tried to be as strong as I can. I became so many things I was not before. I was very patient in all the ways I could think of. I became so understanding to the point I could not understand myself anymore. I learned to prioritize and sacrifice things for our sakes. I loved as if I will never love again... And I was happy... Until one day, I woke up and realized things weren't really working right. Beside the fact that we were on a long-distance relationship, you never really had time for me, or so I think (just like what you always tell me)... I tried to tell you about this, I wanted to be honest with you, the way I have always been all along, and express how I really felt about it. But you said I was becoming unreasonable. That I've become a fault-finder, making big issues out of small things. You even said I was becoming more demanding and hard to deal with each day... And I was hurt... Badly...

So that was how it went... We talked and decided maybe we need a time-out... More space between us... Deep inside, I was thinking, "Hell, how much more space do you need?", but there was no use saying that anymore since we have already agreed to 'go on separate ways'...

The phone rang again after a few minutes. Your name was on the screen. I answered it. You were crying while you were saying, "Nothing's changed... Nothing's changed, right? I still love you the way I have before...", and then you paused... I was silent and waiting on what you're going to say next.., I heard you taking in deep breaths and then you asked me. "Don't you love me anymore?"... I was thinking and then I finally said, "I don't know..." You were silent for a long time. Though you were trying to hide and deny it, I knew you were crying, I can hear it from the other line...

And then I spoke my mind. I tried to use the simplest and most subtle words to tell you how I really feel, because, as always, I don't want you to get hurt.

I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I was hurt but I don't blame you for that. You taught me so many things I've never known before, things I never learned from school or anywhere else, things that only real experience could teach. And for that, I thank you.

Maybe I was too idealistic. I had my fair share of mistakes too, I admit. If I am not as expressive as I was before, that's because of you.

You once told me, "There's nothing wrong with being honest and, with speaking your thoughts, but there are times, you have keep things to yourself so as not to hurt other people's feelings," and maybe that was what I felt those times. I was holding words to myself. I was afraid I might say something you will not like that might hurt you... And that would hurt me in return...

I am a little stiff now and that's because of you...

I learned that if you don't want to get too hurt, you have to learn to control your feelings even if that means not giving yourself whole-heartedly to something... Or someone...

You taught me not to expect anything from a relationship, from people around me.. ("Is this right?", I still ask myself.)

I was not scared to go through anything for this relationship, but now I am... And that, you taught me, too.

Either good or bad, you taught me so many things I could not enumerate in here anymore, and for whatever they may be, I thank you...

You were silent for a long time... I still wanted to say more... But I couldn't.. I felt like if I say another word, I could not contain the sadness anymore and I might burst into tears, into a loud cry. And then, I heard you try to explain your side but maybe I was too tired and have had enough to digest more of your explanations... I was crying, though i hate to, I knew I was crying...

And then, again, the call got disconnected...