Missing

I have not blogged for weeks and I really feel sad about it. I have not even checked my mails and offline messages. I've been eager to do all of these but I have been so pre-occupied with other things. Coping with all the new responsibilities as the head of the family is not easy. Work, too has been both very serious and boring these past days. I really miss the whole internet...

MySpace Hoax

How would you feel if somebody tells you that the world would be a better place without you? Would you get upset? Would you get mad at the person? Or would you kill yourself to satisfy him or her?

Last Friday, I got the chance to watch TV alone and had full control of the remote.. (harhar).. I was changing and browsing channels when something caught my attention. It was CNN's report about a young girl who committed suicide over an online hoax. Is this not interesting? I focused and listened very well to the news because I thought it was.

The story is about Megan Meiers, a thirteen-year-old girl who suffered depression and attention deficit. Megan thought that she made a new friend in cyberspace when Josh Evans who claimed to be sixteen-year-old contacted her on MySpace. "Josh" told her he thinks Megan is attractive and so they began exchanging messages online. Their online friendship lasted over a month and Megan's family started to notice that she was becoming more cheerful and described her as having had her "spirits lifted".

After over a month of exchanging messages, Josh abruptly ended their friendship telling Megan he heard that she was cruel, saying "I don't think I want to be friends with you because I heard that you are not very nice to your friends." Josh also sent Megan other troubling messages, shared Megan's messages to others and posted bulletins about her.

Megan got so depressed about this (who wouldn't?) and told her mom about the hurtful messages Josh sent her and went upstairs to her messages afterwards. She was found twenty minutes later, hanging by the neck in a closet. Despite attempts to revive her, she was pronounced dead the following day.

Megan's family later learned that Josh never actually existed. The last message Josh sent Megan? "The world would be a better place without you."

It really is a sad story. What's sadder is, the person behind the MySpace account, behind the Josh Evans identity is a mom who just laughed about it and told reporters that the whole hoax was a "joke"..

Salary Woes

It really is frustrating when you do your work very well and you dont get paid right for it. You always come an hour earlier than your scheduled shift to make sure you are able to check documents and new processess for review. You are never absent at work. You try to file Leave of Absense a month before it. You follow company policies and prcedures strictly. These are never appreciated yet I don't say anything about it because this is how dedicated I am with work but to not get paid correctly??! And for this to happen not just once and when you need the money the most??! This is too much! Just too much!

I don't expect the company, or the management, or the bosses to appreciate what I do. I don't expect any compliments or rewards from all my efforts because I know that this is my job and this in necessary. What I only ask is for me to receive the salary pay that I deserve, that I signed for, that I worked for.

I felt so upset early this morning when I arrived in the office. I received an email about employees' salary disputes being processed (updates). I was expecting to see my name on the list of those who filed disputes but to my dismay, my name was not in it. It really feels bad because I need the money for my brother's college tuition fee. Now I would have to find other ways to have money for this enrollment.

Another test from God...

Blog No More??!!

I know, I know.. I have not blogged for days.. I have not been writing things with sense.. or things that might update you on how I am doing now...There are two reasons behind this. The first, and most impotant is, they have blocked Blogspot.com in the office where I blog most of the time (I usually do it during lunch and break times). The IT dept also blocked many blogging-related sites that I always visit and this pisses not only me but other bloggers in the office.. Grrrr.. We can't really blame them, though. They're just doing their jobs. The second reason is I always go home to Pampanga on my days off. We don't have internet access at home since we dont really need it there and I dont go to internet cafes that much when I'm there because I want to spend my time with the family.

Those two are the major reasons why I have not been blogging, visiting sites, and dropping entrecards.. The minor reasons are proxies where also blocked and our access to other computer programs were also restricted.. This is really sad.. My officemates are not happy about this, too. They joke and say that one of these days, we might just all be resigning because we simply are bored.. Because there are no more movies to watch.. No more online streaming.. No more online games.. No more blogging.. No more network societies..No more internet access.. LOL

I will still be blogging, though.. I'm sure my techi officemates will still come up with work-arounds, as always (harhar)... And I, too, will find one.. LOL... :D

Lakbayan Meme

I got tagged by Big-Eyed Gal

My Lakbayan grade is F!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

LOL! My Lakbayan grade is F? What the !!?? haha.. Well, there's realy nothing to wonder about that. As much as I want to, I really can't and don't travel a lot.. This test simply tells me that I need to get to know and visit more places in my home country.. Haayyy.. I hope i get the chance to..soon.. :)

Show me how much of the Philippines have you travelled? Add your links here:

1) mind bubbles, 2) may, 3) VANITY KIT, 4) SOMETHING PURPLE, 5.) A DETOUR, 6) Big Eyed Gal, 7) The Chronic Shopper 8) My Inner Thoughts Revealed 9.) Your link here

I wanna know how much you travel Louraine and KCee

How Are You Feeling Today?

Thanks Marie for tagging me with this :

Rules:

1. List 6 things that describe yourself today.
2. Add your blog to the list. Feel free to add all your other blogs.
3. Tag other online friends you know.

*1. Excited!
>>>>>>> I'm going home to the province later for my two-days off! YEY!!
*2. Happy!
>>>>>>> Because I will be able to spend my two days with my family..
*3. Sleepy
>>>>>>> I woke up at 1 am to prepare for my 5 am shift.. *yawn*
*4. Bored
>>>>>>> I'm not enjoying my work today..
*5. Neat
>>>>>>> I'm in my semi formal outfit.. not in the usual jeans and t-shirt.. LOL
*6. Hungry
>>>>>>> 'Haven't eaten lunch yet..

Links: Creative In Me Little Peanut Me and Mine Pea in a Pod Sugar Magnolias A Slice of Life Simply Jen Jenny Said So This and That We are Family Mommastuff MoMieSpace Being a wife & mom ChatnChill moms..... check nyo A Simple Life Mommy's Little Corner My Life's Rollercoaster Ride My Inner Thoughts Revealed

I'm tagging Eda , Inaj , Jhong, and Mommy Ruby

For My Mom

Today I would like to pay tribute to my bestfriend and my number one fan, to the most special woman in my life, my mom. I know she won't be able to read this because she's not into the"internet world" but I would still want to allot a space in here for her..

Ever Dearest Mommy,

Happy Mother's Day! :)

Thank you for the all the love and care you have unselfishly and unconditionally gave us.

Thank you for the time and patience you dedicated to us.

Thank you for the support and words of wisdom you have given and shared to me.

Thank you for all the life's lessons you have shared and patiently taught me.

Thank you for the crying shoulders and encouragements you have given me whenever I needed one.

Thank you for the warm hugs and kisses, too...

I could never thank you enough for all of these and for all the other things you have given up for our happiness. I hope by posting this and thanking you here, I will be able to express my deep gratitude and love for you. I regret that I will not be able to spend this special day with you because time and distance won't permit it, but I promise to make it up to you.Ma, I want you to know that I am very grateful that you are my mom and that you raised me up the way God has intended and I myself is proud of that and I'd like you to feel that same way.There are so many things I would like to tell you but I wouldn't want to bore you and my readers here (LOL). MOM, I will never ever forget all of these for as long as I live.. Thank you and I LOVE YOU!

Sick

Im sick. I hate it. And I hate it more because it's flu. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I sneeze all the time, I feel feverish, my eyes are drowsy and I've got a running nose.. Oh! I just hate it!

Ever since I was a kid. I have always hated being sick. I have asthma and eveytime it attacks me, they always had to bring me to the hospital. They would give me medicines and inhalers. Doctors would tell my mom not to feed me with these foods, not to let me do these and that, not to let me go here and there.. Arrgg! It just felt all insane as a kid.. How was I suppose to enjoy my childhood? How was I suppose to feel about it?

Later on, I understood that it was all for me, too. It was for my own health. If getting sick did something good to me, that's taking good care of myself. I hate being sick. I hate being a prisoner of your own body, not being able to do the things that you want to do.

Now that I'm working and have greater responsibilities in life, I hate getting sick even more. Loosing a day at work means loosing a day's income, and that I can't afford.

Good thing is, it's my off. I have two days more to get well... Haaayys... I hope I get better by Sunday..

Relationships

*** A friend emailed this to me..

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A female telephone operator received a phone call one day. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"

The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future. Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

*** Just somethings to think about... :)

20 Questions Tag

Thanks to Jojo for tagging me with this..

Here are the Rules for this tag :

Remove one (1) question from below and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag eight (8) people in your list. List them out at the end of this post.

1. At what age do/did you wish to marry?

... hmmm... Around 25 or 27..

2. Have you ever shoplifted?

... never... and will never do...

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?

... just one... One round trip around the world... harhar (nothing in particular now..)

4. Which part of you do you hate the most?

... in what terms?

5. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?

... i've written an entry about that here.. : i cry, i pray, and i write..

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?

... My faith in God and my family

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?

... i'll save, invest, shop, and tour.. hehehe

8. What do you love the most about last year (2007)?

... I met someone special.. :)

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you:

... Nice. Thoughtful. Friendly (thanks for the concerns and comments ate Jojo ^-^ )

10. How do you cope with boredom?

... most of the time, i sleep.. harhar.. if not, i watch movies, surf the net, chat and write stuffs.

11. Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?

... can't think of any at the moment.. i guess, i dont have regrets about my life after all.. ;)

12. What type of person do you hate the most?

... plastic!

13. What is your ambition?

... can i say, get rich? harhar..have a happy, simple and contented family life one day.. ;)

14. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?

... world peace! (boring? hahaha) ok, i think, happiness for everyone.. and for myself, too. :)

15. How did you celebrate New Year?

... with a bang!!! unfortunately, it did not last long. i had to go to work. (huhuhu..)

16. What has been the craziest thing you've ever done in your whole life?

... falling in love... ain't it crazy? a lot of people thinks so.. (lolz)

17. What do you look forward to in 2008?

... it's the middle of the year now.. hmmm.. how about a month-long vacation (in my dreams! lolz)

18. If your life is a song, what title best fits it?

... i'm not sure there is a song... let's say, I will survive...? :b

19. What is your inspiration in life?

... My family and knowing God created me for a good purpose.. :)

20. Which world would you want to live in - Love without Money or Money without Love?

... this is hard..both money and love makes things alot complicated and life hard to deal with.. harhar.. but i'd say, Love without Money.. ;)

Who got tagged: Dana, Elliot, Genny, Jherson, KCee, Mars, Tanya, and Wendy

Terrifying Early Morning!

I really got terrified early this morning on the bus on my way to work. I was seated on the middle part of the bus, near the door. I was wondering why passengers from the back were moving to the front seats. They were whispering to each other but since it was not like me to eavesdrop, I just shrugged and did not mind it. A minute later, a man sat beside me. I looked at him and saw him glance back to where he was originally seated, that is, at the back side of the bus. I then heard him say to another man, "That guy behind me, the one in gray shirt, he's carrying a knife." I got nervous upon hearing that. Just imagine what that guy could do. "Is he alone?Does he have companions?What is he going to be up to?", I asked myself. I wanted to glance into the man's direction so I can take a good at him but I was afraid he might see me...I calmed myself and whispered a short prayer. All of a sudden, the man wearing a gray shirt started to shout. All of the passengers looked back and we all saw him. He was cursing while playing with a knife in his hand. It was terrifying! The conductor tried to calm the guy down and he did..Or so we think...

Some of the other passengers started to move closer to the door, Some even got off the bus in terror. We were all silent for a few minutes when the man started to shout and curse again. When the bus stopped again on the loading and unloading area, I quickly got off the bus and decided to walk the rest of the way to the place where the company shuttle will pick up us. Whoa! What a horrifying way to start the day!

On Family and Responsibilities

How important is your family to you? How far can you go for them? What are you willing to sacrifice for their happiness?


Why am I asking these questions? Recently, I became, officially, the head of the family. YES, you read it right and NO, my parents aren't dead. For some reasons, my dad just can't work anymore and my mom, a plain loving housewife and a mother to us, is unemployed. My older brother, the eldest among four kids, lives now with his own family. So being next to him, needless to say, I have to take over all of the responsiblities. All by myself, alone...


It's not as if it's something new to me because since I was young, my mom has always and consistently reminded me of my duties and I have religiously tried to do everything to be called responsible. It's just that this is more pressure to me since they would be fully dependent to me now.

Two years ago, two weeks after graduation, I got my first job and started to help supporting my family's needs. In the beginning, I only gave a partial of my salary to my mom. But because of the increasing prices of our daily necessities, I felt like there was a need for me to give more. I started supporting my 2 younger brothers' college studies, from tuition fees, to allowances, and other to stuffs that needs to be paid concerning their schooling. I also was obliged to pay the electric bills and share extra money for the groceries because dad's income has decreased. In the long run, I gave almost all of my salary to mom leaving myself a partial of it for my allowance (money I could use till I receive my next pay).


People would say my family is lucky to have me, one responsible and good daughter and a sister...And this really makes me think... Hmmm.. They ought to build me a monument or a statue of some kind and reserve a day to pay respect to me.. LOL


Kidding aside, sometimes, I get sick and tired of all these yet I just can't give up. They need me and I just can't let them down. I love my family so much that I am willing to always go the extra mile for their happiness and wellness. Indeed it is a great responsibility, but to think, it is also one great priveledge to make other lives worth living and to show these people your gratitude for all the love that they give you. They are lucky to have me and I, as well, am is lucky to have them. They're of the highest priority to me, aside from God of course. Anything that concerns them, concerns me. I would do anything, even give up my own happiness, for them. Because to me, their happiness, their wellness, is mine, too...

I just pray God gives me more strenght to carry all these...

8 Random Things About Me

KCee tagged me with this cool meme.

Here are the rules:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.

3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.

4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment on their blog and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to come back and read your blog for the whole story.

Here goes:

1. I took up BS Mathematics back in college, did not fail a single math class and finished the course in four years. What's odd about it is that Math is my waterloo.

2. I always prefer wearing flats. My legs hurt when I use high-heeled shoes or sandals.. I love flats, sneakers, and rubber shoes. They're more comfortable and makes me feel always on-the-go!

3. I went to a Catholic school back in high school and wanted to be a nun... until I fell in love.. LOL

4. I am the second and only girl in a family of four children.

5. I love Ketchup!

6. I am very family-oriented. Anything that concerns my family is of the highest priority to me. Bondings and occasions with them are very important.. I just can't miss them!

7. I don't like talking in front of a crowd.. Thinking about it makes me really nervous!

8. I like staying simple especially with the clothes I wear. It never goes out of fashion! ;o)


I'm passing this to : Wena, Utah Mommy, Reich, Pinay Wife, Natz, Malen , Louraine and Jojo

Haircuts

I Am Grateful

Princess Vien Tagged me with this..

1. I am grateful that I was given the chance to exist, live and love.

2. I am grateful for having a wonderful family.

3. I am grateful for every blessings and graces God has showered me and my family.

4. I am grateful for the friends and loved ones I have and who treasure and love me in return.

5. I am grateful that I have a nice job and that I am able to blog here.. LOL

Start Copy

*In order to be able to achieve and maintain happiness we need to, actively, be able to do two things:

1. Complain and then let go (Dump the baggage, the roadblocks to happiness.)

2. Express Gratitude (The open expression of gratitude promotes happiness.)

After all, everyone has something to be grateful for and/or something to complain about. If you would like to take the challenge, please follow the appropriate link and do so: “Are You Grateful?“, “Complain Complain Complain.”


Contributors to “Are You Grateful?” & “Complain Complain Complain.“: 1-Attitude, the Ultimate Power 2-Max 3-DianaCA’s Metamorphoses 4-Mental Poo 5-My Thoughts 6-Baba Doodlius 7-Wake Up America 8-Life is a Roller Coaster 9-Life is Beautiful 10-pinay mommy’s love blog 11-My Happiness Haven 12-And Life Goes On for a Filipino Mom 13-Blessed Sanctuary 14-Expressions And Thoughts 15-Memories by Jenn 16-Reminiscence of My Adventures 17-In the Life of Mne 18-Juliana’s Lair 19-Pinay Wahm 20-Lucid Creativity 21-Winged Words 22-Irresistible Fascinations 23-A Little Time 24-See Me For What You Will 25-Greatest Reviews 26-ETC ATBP 27-Gandacious 28-We Are Family 29-Journey to this thing called LIFE 30-http://www.rajeshrana.net/ 31-http://www.rajeshrana.com/ 32-BaReFooTeD Me 33-Uncomplicated 34-Points of View 35-Pride & Prejudice 36-Colorful World 37-Nora’s Notes 38-A Daily Walk With Bill & Gina 39-Strange but True 40-Everything Under The Sun ( Beth Rebokon ) 41-Kaleidoscope 42-Fil-Oz Blog 43-http://oscar-vg.blogspot.com/ 44-Comedy Plus 45-Blogging by Sandee 46-Soul Meets World 47-Mae’s Memoirs 48-Beyond the Rave Reality 49-Amori, poesie, arte, chat by Hanna 50-Attached at the Hip 51-Carver’s Sight or is that Site? 52-Empress Reviews 53-Simple Pleasures In My Heart 54-Lourdes’ mia 55-A Grateful Heart 56-Majorsleepyhead 57-Scrappy n Happy in Ohio 58-CHOC MINT GIRL 59-Extraordinary Things 60-ZOOROPAZOO 61-BeNolSatuEm 62-As The World Turns 63-Your Caring Angels 64-Life Is Wonderful To Know Everyday 65-Pea in a Pod 66-Little Peanut 67-Creative in Me 68- Sugarmagnolias 69-Me and Mine 70-Mommy Talks. Wife Stories. 71-Pink and Brown Diaries. 72-Aggie Shoots. Aggie Scraps. 73-Winding Creek Circle 74-Women Explore 75 - Princess Bela 76 - My Planet Purple 77 - Our Journey to Life 78 - Princess Vien 79- My Inner Thoughts Revealed 80-You


I'm passing this to Jhong , Elaine , KCee, Luoraine and Wena

What I do...

What do you do when you're tired or exhausted? When you feel like the world is against you? When you feel like things are not always working out right?

Well, me? I cry. I pray. I write.

I cry. I cry as much as I can. I cry until either I fall asleep or until my tears run dry. It's my way of releasing the pain, the sadness, the worries and doubts, all that is negative. Crying somehow makes me feel relaxed and calm.

I pray. After releasing all the tensions I feel, I pray. I talk to God . I lift up my problems, myself, and everything to Him. I talk to Him and it makes my heart so much lighter. Talking to God gives my soul the peace that I need. A sort of calmness, serenity only God can give. I pray and asks Him to walk with me, walk me to the light.

And then I write. I write to express how I feel... How I felt... I write so I can remember... So I will remember that once in my life I came across the same kind of situation and that I was able to overcome it... So I will remember that I should be a lot stronger..

These are what I do... How 'bout you? :)

Summer

Ahhh... With the temperature rising and the sweat you feel all over you're body (even after bathing), there is no denying that it is indeed summer now...

I cant remember the last time I had a very exciting summer vacation. Though I have been looking forward to doing something every summer, I never had the time to realize them... Yes.. They're all ion my dreams and in my dreams alone...

I always don't have the time (initiative, others tell me..LOL) and enough resources to spend a luxurious, or at least, a nice summer stuff with my family or friends somewhere I want. In college, there was always something that I had to do even after the school year ends. And it's even worse now that I'm working. Everybody in the office seems to be so excited about going to beaches and somewhere else (where the temperature is cooler) that they have already filed days of leave ahead of time, which means, the leave calendar is already full, AND which also means I can't file a leave for myself anymore... What a sad thing!

Anyways, I'm still dreaming of spending a week or two (which by the way is not possible since we are only allowed to have a 5-day straight scheduled absence) in a beach with my family or friends. I Want it to be where they offer white sand beaches, crystal clear ocean water, nice food and fun activities you can do all day and night or until you run out of energy.

I hope this comes true before summer ends. Besides, it's not as if I'm asking for a very extravagant vacation. Just a simple, relaxing summer stuff is what I want. 'Hope somebody out there listens...or should I say, reads this...LOL

Phone Call

You called... Days after we decided to start clean and all over again, you called and asked me, "What happened to us?"... I did not answer for a few moments, I was thinking, I didn't know what to say...

You said, "I still love you..", I did not answer back, I was thinking, I didn't know what to say...

You said, " I will always be here for you..", you sounded like you were crying, I still did not answer back, I was thinking, I still didn't know what to say...

The line got cut off and there was a long moment of silence and I just realized, tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Months ago, I told you ( and myself, too) that I'm going to give myself whole heartedly to this commitment... No reservations... And you said the same thing. All the while, I have tried to be as strong as I can. I became so many things I was not before. I was very patient in all the ways I could think of. I became so understanding to the point I could not understand myself anymore. I learned to prioritize and sacrifice things for our sakes. I loved as if I will never love again... And I was happy... Until one day, I woke up and realized things weren't really working right. Beside the fact that we were on a long-distance relationship, you never really had time for me, or so I think (just like what you always tell me)... I tried to tell you about this, I wanted to be honest with you, the way I have always been all along, and express how I really felt about it. But you said I was becoming unreasonable. That I've become a fault-finder, making big issues out of small things. You even said I was becoming more demanding and hard to deal with each day... And I was hurt... Badly...

So that was how it went... We talked and decided maybe we need a time-out... More space between us... Deep inside, I was thinking, "Hell, how much more space do you need?", but there was no use saying that anymore since we have already agreed to 'go on separate ways'...

The phone rang again after a few minutes. Your name was on the screen. I answered it. You were crying while you were saying, "Nothing's changed... Nothing's changed, right? I still love you the way I have before...", and then you paused... I was silent and waiting on what you're going to say next.., I heard you taking in deep breaths and then you asked me. "Don't you love me anymore?"... I was thinking and then I finally said, "I don't know..." You were silent for a long time. Though you were trying to hide and deny it, I knew you were crying, I can hear it from the other line...

And then I spoke my mind. I tried to use the simplest and most subtle words to tell you how I really feel, because, as always, I don't want you to get hurt.

I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I was hurt but I don't blame you for that. You taught me so many things I've never known before, things I never learned from school or anywhere else, things that only real experience could teach. And for that, I thank you.

Maybe I was too idealistic. I had my fair share of mistakes too, I admit. If I am not as expressive as I was before, that's because of you.

You once told me, "There's nothing wrong with being honest and, with speaking your thoughts, but there are times, you have keep things to yourself so as not to hurt other people's feelings," and maybe that was what I felt those times. I was holding words to myself. I was afraid I might say something you will not like that might hurt you... And that would hurt me in return...

I am a little stiff now and that's because of you...

I learned that if you don't want to get too hurt, you have to learn to control your feelings even if that means not giving yourself whole-heartedly to something... Or someone...

You taught me not to expect anything from a relationship, from people around me.. ("Is this right?", I still ask myself.)

I was not scared to go through anything for this relationship, but now I am... And that, you taught me, too.

Either good or bad, you taught me so many things I could not enumerate in here anymore, and for whatever they may be, I thank you...

You were silent for a long time... I still wanted to say more... But I couldn't.. I felt like if I say another word, I could not contain the sadness anymore and I might burst into tears, into a loud cry. And then, I heard you try to explain your side but maybe I was too tired and have had enough to digest more of your explanations... I was crying, though i hate to, I knew I was crying...

And then, again, the call got disconnected...

Hanging on

"Dont let go too soon, but dont hang on too long."

This is an aphorism I got from one of my favorite books written by Mitch Albom entitled Tuesdays with Morrie. It is a line of realization of a dying old man, Morrie. One of these days, I'll write something about that wonderful and touching book, but right now, I want to focus on this simple line.

This line applies to so may thing in life, love and relationships we deal with everyday. But what does it really mean? When is too soon? When is too long?
These are the same questions I asked myself after reading that line.. Do we get to know it when it's just too soon to let go, could be of a realtionship or an expextation or something else? Do we get any clue when it's just too long to wait and hold on or expect? For me, too soon is when you never give something a second chance to work and too long is when you give too many chances to it that doing so becomes non-sense and rationally unreasonable. Too long is when waiting, expecting and hanging on becomes a waste of time and effort...